Between the Veil

Happy belated Halloween/Samhain all! (I had to try THREE differnet computers before Blogger let me post! SCHIESSE!)


On this day let us not forget the meaning of this holiday...I never put on a mask/costume without thinking of the meaning behind it. This year I decided to be Alice in Wonderland because I have been feeling as if I am resuming my own personal quest of discovery. It is a strange, twisted and whimsical path.

Don't forget that the reason we beg for sweets from door to door is to stave off the ghosts, the reminders of our own mortality. It was once believed that giving ghosts sweets or food on this day would keep them from haunting the living. I have not experienced the death of loved ones (that weren't a pet,) but there are still spirits that I connect with. Spirits that cannot exist in the world of living.

Don't forget that the reason we think of ghosts on this night is because it was once believed that the "veil" between the worlds is thinnest at this time of year. The world of the living and the world of the dead touch and crossover. I feel ghosts constantly at this time of year, I seem to be slightly empathic to ghosts...but I very rarely hear or see them. Rather I feel as if I have an internal ghost radar within my mind.

There is more to Halloween than just sweets, costumes and scary movies. I still celebrate each of these original reasons of its founding. Live it! Love it! Love it to death! :P


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Lessons in Sarahish Part Three

Azkaban...a place or a situation that is either miserable or just plain sucky. It is usually applied in terms of work, annoyances and sometimes a tragic situation.

Origins... I am unhealthy obsessed with Harry Potter. The third book remains one of the main reasons I have chosen to attempt a career in literature. The character development just floors me every single time I read it. Since the age of 16 that book has shaped so much of my life. One of the things that strikes me most is just how terrible Azkaban prison seems...even tho she never actually wrote a detailed description of what life in Az is like, but we see that everyone who leaves returns either insane or deeply haunted, and looking like concentration camp victims. The prison literally sucks every happy memory from their victims. Granted I have never been anywhere near as terrible as Azkaban but there are certianly several places/situations that make speakers of Sarahish feel pretty darn miserable.  

Example: "I am in overdraft again! What an Azkaban!" 


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Spring....Spring Nicht!

I wish I could post a more upbeat entry, and post more often but this month I have been so crushed with stress and anxiety that it just isn't possible. It is a little bit of everything. School work (although for the most part I really enjoy school.) my crappy dating life and lack of free time...but it is mostly work. 
Over the past month or so I have gone from tolerating my job, lets just call it "The Krusty Krab" , to downright hating it. I have never ever had a promotion, I am never allowed a sick day, and they have been working me like a slave. I am not just doing a mans job...I am doing the job of three grown men. And I have seen buff, tall men cry and freak out while doing my job. I feel like a miner, like a sklave (slave), a servant, a faceless slug... lately I have been breaking down every day, several times a day with the workload that is thrust on me. They refuse to hire additional help. 
I am thinking very Siriusly (haha, I am a such a Potter geek.) of begging my doctor for a medical leave of absence, at least for a week or two. I just don't know what else to do. Quitting is not a option because I desperately need the insurance and the income. But I have been hurting myself and contemplating suicide because I just cannot deal with my anger and frustration any other way. I hope if I can just have some time off than maybe I can heal a little bit. 
Just in the past 24 hours I have thought of jumping off bridges, steering myself into fiery car crashes, cutting my wrists open the right way, drowning, dying of a plauge...
There is a Rammstein song named "Spring" (Jump) that describes exactly how I feel sometimes...actually it is about a guy who climbs a bridge and has second thoughts of killing himself, but a crowd has gathered below and is screaming for him to jump. 

Heimlich schiebt sich eine Wolke vor die Sonne es wird kalt Doch tausend Sonnen brennen nur für dich Ich schleich mich heimlich auf die Brücke Tret ihm von hinten in den Rücken Erlöse ihn von dieser Schmach und schrei ihm nach...SPRING!

(A cloud moves in secret in front of the sun, it gets cold But a thousand suns burn just for you I creep onto the bridge in secret and kick him in the back from behind I redeem him from this shame and I scream to him...JUMP!)

But...as upset as I get I know that it is just my distress talking. I don't want to kill myself, I want to keep living. There is so much I haven't done yet, I haven't even been officially published yet! I haven't been to Germany or found true gothic love. I haunt been camping, or lived comfortably on my own, I haven't even properly seen the stars. I have to start thinking of all the little things I haven't done yet, and all the major things I haven't done. 
In times of great distress I have relied on a spiritual guardian to help me, and now is no exception. Through dreams, feelings, symbols and even the occasional faint manifestation my guiding spirit helps me find strength and gives me the will to keep fighting. I think it is alot like Christians rely on Jesus to help inspire strength...well I am Wiccan, and do much the same with spirits and guardians. 
After all...isn't Jesus the holy ghost? 
This is where I relate to another German song, "Spring Nicht" (Dont Jump) by Tokio Hotel. This song helps calm me down, helps me think of my inner strength and spiritual path. 


Ich schrei in die nacht für dich Lass mich nicht im stich, spring nicht ! die lichter fangen dich nicht die betrügen dich, spring nicht ! Erinner dich, an dich und mich die welt da unten zählt nicht bitte, spring nicht.

(I scream in the night for you Don't leave me alone, don't jump! the lights won't catch you up they are betraying you, don't jump! Remember you and me the world down there doesn't count Please, don't jump!)

So, ja...that is my life at the moment. It can mostly be broken down into German words, panic attacks and utter frustration.
I do have some hope...I tend to break down once a year or so, but I have been very lucky this year. I have alot more people around me who care for me and are trying to help me through this. I am praying hard to the Universe that soon the worst of my troubles will be over. 

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Lessons in Sarahish- Yaxley

Yaxley: an individual (usually male) or group of people that possess substandard intelligence. Their only goal in life is to consume, fuck and annoy. 

Origin: This term has roots tracing all the way back to when the Harry Potter books were being released. My sister and I noticed that the Death Eaters kept multiplying dramatically, and we said they were "breeding like roaches". At the time I was in the middle of a move and was hoping none of the occasional roaches I once had would follow me home. One little guy did, I proptely named him "Yaxley" after a Death Eater in Harry Potter who fittingly enough grabbed onto Hermoine's hand and followed the trio to their hideout. Upon re-reading Harry Potter this year me and my sis started to refer to Death Eaters as simply "Yaxleys" and soon enough the term spread to mean horney creepy guys, and generally just anyone who annoys us.

Example: "I don't believe it! Another Yaxley started following me around after class!"  

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Lessons in saraish: Word One

Sarahish. A hybrid language unquie to Sarah Kimball and her sister. It is a combination of English, German, The Simpsons, Harry Potter...and a million other pop culture references.


Lemon Test: A test of ones intelligence.

Orgin: It started when my sissy got this awesome shirt of a glass of lemonade and a lemon beside it in tears and saying "Mom?" Even my niece understood that it was a sad/funny shirt, but we began to noticing a lot of people didn't understand the shirt. The shirt was almost like a test of intelligence.

Example: "Man...this guy is acting like such an idoit...defiantly wouldn't pass the lemon test." 


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The Conversational Oort Cloud

Defination: The Oort Cloud.

First you have the sun. Than you have the solar system. Beyond Neptune you have Pluto (which is TOTALLY a planet, and my future home :P) and beyond tiny icy Pluto you have a ton of asteroids, comets and tons of other things left over from the formation of the planets. And then you have what is called the Oort Cloud. The Oort cloud is the farthest you can be from the sun and still be in the solar system. It would take light one year to travel to the Oort cloud. It is about a 1/4th of the way toward the nearest star. The cloud is essentially made up of comets and dust, but recent studies show that it has thick bubbles of matieral around it, and scietensts speculate that these weird bubbles actully protect the solar system from gamma ray radiation.

Why do I bring this up? Well this is one my random terms I came up with in a moment of bordem. When it comes to social situations I feel like a conversational Oort cloud. I am as far and removed from the sun, from the center of the conversation, as you can possibly be. I don't know what to say, when I should talk, what I supposed to be doing with myself when I am not speaking or even when to look someone in the eye. I didn't even know that you are supposed to look pepole in the eye when you speak to them until I was ten years old.

I wonder if it will ever be possible for me to simply learn, to read up on how people actually socialize, to practice...and actually apply myself. But why do I have to STUDY socializing? How come most everyone else simply does it? Simply fits into a group while I merly hover as the conversational Oort cloud? How come none of this ever came naturally to me? I know I'll never find "love" if I can incapable of socialization...I will also never move up in the world , and never be anything more than a Krusty slave.

So...where do I start? : /

Almost like....

"I enjoyed the meetings too." said Luna serenely. "It was like having friends."




For some reason...mostly at work, I have been feeling utterly, and crushingly lonely. Like bash my head against the wall and hang myself in the freezer lonely (not that I have done any of these things or entertained the thought for more than a few seconds.) My Facebook is rather quite, save for close few. My phone only plays the Mysterious Ticking Noise a few spare times a day. My email is flooded with receipts of my Itunes App purchases, but no real correspondence and I have deleted my contacts list so drastically that one scroll shows everyone.

For some reason or another, I have lost so many friends. Sometimes it was backstabbing, sometimes it was because they got a raging hard on for me, and sometimes we just never talked that much. I still have a couple of friends, and I value the ones I have, but lately I just can't help but to mourn my losses. In most cases I just didn't know how to be an adequate friend, and my attempts were painful and strained. I go through this every few months, periods of utter quite in my social life. I try not to take it too hard, I am borderline Autistic/Aspergers (although a "psychologist" said I am not...but he was also trying to grope me as he said so. Very credible, yes?) so socializing is always going to be a struggle for me.

But I just won't change my ways. Those friend who have stuck around my this long much see something wonderful in cold, loony Slytherin me. That must make them truly wonderful people, right?

I just....I really want more!!

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Location:Fort Worth,United States