Between the Veil

Happy belated Halloween/Samhain all! (I had to try THREE differnet computers before Blogger let me post! SCHIESSE!)


On this day let us not forget the meaning of this holiday...I never put on a mask/costume without thinking of the meaning behind it. This year I decided to be Alice in Wonderland because I have been feeling as if I am resuming my own personal quest of discovery. It is a strange, twisted and whimsical path.

Don't forget that the reason we beg for sweets from door to door is to stave off the ghosts, the reminders of our own mortality. It was once believed that giving ghosts sweets or food on this day would keep them from haunting the living. I have not experienced the death of loved ones (that weren't a pet,) but there are still spirits that I connect with. Spirits that cannot exist in the world of living.

Don't forget that the reason we think of ghosts on this night is because it was once believed that the "veil" between the worlds is thinnest at this time of year. The world of the living and the world of the dead touch and crossover. I feel ghosts constantly at this time of year, I seem to be slightly empathic to ghosts...but I very rarely hear or see them. Rather I feel as if I have an internal ghost radar within my mind.

There is more to Halloween than just sweets, costumes and scary movies. I still celebrate each of these original reasons of its founding. Live it! Love it! Love it to death! :P


- Posted using the awesomeness of Salazar Slytherin!

8 years later...and still in Sirius denial.....

I am almost finished reading OOTP....and still Sirius' death hurts me every bit as it did one summer day alot like this 8 years ago. I'll ramble more about this later I am sure, and contemplate as to why it hurts so much.One line I have never noticed before was that Harry felt like the absence of Sirius, of his guardian was like an empty black hole in his heart. I burst into fresh tears at that one.

It's been 8 years...the books are over. He's as good as dead...and yet I can't help but to hope exhasutivly for a loophole.  Sirius denial still......

But for now here are fitting lyrics.

"Tears of hope run down my skin, tears for you that will not dry. They magnify the one within, and let the outside slowly die."   Remember When It Rained, Josh Groban.

To me that line speaks of feeling heartbroken over something that never had a chance or that was never even real...but you still think fondly of that vague hope.

Sirius Black....as I see him in Hogwarts years.

The White Dwarf?

I can't deny that this summer has been quite awesome in many ways. I've had the chance to read so many wonderful books, wrote a little bit,  discover new music and rediscover old music and I've even returned to my old goth haunt, The Church, and began to mingle with my own kind once again. I am making friends, I am coming out of my shell, trying new things and really feeling like I am alive again. It feels like stepping back into my old skin...it feels almost like I have picked right off from the Sarah I cast aside in Arlington. I haven't felt so comfortable with myself ever since I fell into the grip of my emotionally and sexually abusive ex boyfriend. I don't call him by name, not even in my own head. He is known only as I.B (Idiot Boy).

I remember the day the old Sarah got stranded and cast aside. It was Halloween 2008, when I was out partying with IB. He was treating me like such a whore, like I was so utterly and completely disposable...and I just let him do it. I had never had a commited realtionship before, I thought this was acceptable. I was to drunk to realise what was happening that night. The real Sarah would have kicked his drunk ass out of my car and drove the hell off. But I just submitted to him. That night I felt as if my heart went supernova. A supernova is what happens when a super massive star blows itself to bits and for the most part dies.

After the "supernova" all that was left was a empty black hole that devoured any resemblance of life and love that was left. I felt as if I couldn't love myself, nor any others around me. For the past two and a half years or so I have been wondering about my own universe as an aimless black hole, or so I have felt. But now, as time has passed, I am beginning to feel different...I don't feel like a corpse incapable of true, deep seated feeling emotion and devotion. I don't think that a black hole heart could have ever summoned the strengnth to leave him. I don't think that a black hole heart can ever begin to heal, and venture out into the world and the hopes I have left behind.

Maybe what happened to me in  2008 wasn't a supernova, and maybe there isn't a empty black cinder where my heart used to be. Over these past few months and weeks I am feeling something different... a bit of love, trust, devotion, bravery, tenderness, calm, and even a inkling of hope. Maybe my heart never died, but it changed. Maybe before IB my heart was just a plain old regular sized star, that swelled into a red giant, and shed its layers to form a nebula. But deep within the old layers of myself the core of my same heart is still burning, a white hot cinder. In astronomy this star is called a white dwarf. These white dwarf's are relatively boring compared to other strange things the universe has to offer, but they can burn on for billions, maybe even trillions of years; giving off a soft, white light. Deep within their core their atoms have become so fused together that they form a sort of diamond the size of the earth.

Maybe I haven't become a black hole....maybe I am a diamond in the sky. I'll never be capable of a wild life or passionate love affair, but when/if I do find someone that is entranced by this glittering heart, I'll shine on for billions of years. 

I want to hope that I have learned, and that I have changed for the better. There are trillions of black holes out in the cosmos...I just hope I am not one, or that I shall never again fall into the orbit of another.

To better understand what it is I am talking about...hope this helps. :)