Spring....Spring Nicht!

I wish I could post a more upbeat entry, and post more often but this month I have been so crushed with stress and anxiety that it just isn't possible. It is a little bit of everything. School work (although for the most part I really enjoy school.) my crappy dating life and lack of free time...but it is mostly work. 
Over the past month or so I have gone from tolerating my job, lets just call it "The Krusty Krab" , to downright hating it. I have never ever had a promotion, I am never allowed a sick day, and they have been working me like a slave. I am not just doing a mans job...I am doing the job of three grown men. And I have seen buff, tall men cry and freak out while doing my job. I feel like a miner, like a sklave (slave), a servant, a faceless slug... lately I have been breaking down every day, several times a day with the workload that is thrust on me. They refuse to hire additional help. 
I am thinking very Siriusly (haha, I am a such a Potter geek.) of begging my doctor for a medical leave of absence, at least for a week or two. I just don't know what else to do. Quitting is not a option because I desperately need the insurance and the income. But I have been hurting myself and contemplating suicide because I just cannot deal with my anger and frustration any other way. I hope if I can just have some time off than maybe I can heal a little bit. 
Just in the past 24 hours I have thought of jumping off bridges, steering myself into fiery car crashes, cutting my wrists open the right way, drowning, dying of a plauge...
There is a Rammstein song named "Spring" (Jump) that describes exactly how I feel sometimes...actually it is about a guy who climbs a bridge and has second thoughts of killing himself, but a crowd has gathered below and is screaming for him to jump. 

Heimlich schiebt sich eine Wolke vor die Sonne es wird kalt Doch tausend Sonnen brennen nur für dich Ich schleich mich heimlich auf die Brücke Tret ihm von hinten in den Rücken Erlöse ihn von dieser Schmach und schrei ihm nach...SPRING!

(A cloud moves in secret in front of the sun, it gets cold But a thousand suns burn just for you I creep onto the bridge in secret and kick him in the back from behind I redeem him from this shame and I scream to him...JUMP!)

But...as upset as I get I know that it is just my distress talking. I don't want to kill myself, I want to keep living. There is so much I haven't done yet, I haven't even been officially published yet! I haven't been to Germany or found true gothic love. I haunt been camping, or lived comfortably on my own, I haven't even properly seen the stars. I have to start thinking of all the little things I haven't done yet, and all the major things I haven't done. 
In times of great distress I have relied on a spiritual guardian to help me, and now is no exception. Through dreams, feelings, symbols and even the occasional faint manifestation my guiding spirit helps me find strength and gives me the will to keep fighting. I think it is alot like Christians rely on Jesus to help inspire strength...well I am Wiccan, and do much the same with spirits and guardians. 
After all...isn't Jesus the holy ghost? 
This is where I relate to another German song, "Spring Nicht" (Dont Jump) by Tokio Hotel. This song helps calm me down, helps me think of my inner strength and spiritual path. 


Ich schrei in die nacht für dich Lass mich nicht im stich, spring nicht ! die lichter fangen dich nicht die betrügen dich, spring nicht ! Erinner dich, an dich und mich die welt da unten zählt nicht bitte, spring nicht.

(I scream in the night for you Don't leave me alone, don't jump! the lights won't catch you up they are betraying you, don't jump! Remember you and me the world down there doesn't count Please, don't jump!)

So, ja...that is my life at the moment. It can mostly be broken down into German words, panic attacks and utter frustration.
I do have some hope...I tend to break down once a year or so, but I have been very lucky this year. I have alot more people around me who care for me and are trying to help me through this. I am praying hard to the Universe that soon the worst of my troubles will be over. 

- Posted using the awesomeness of Salazar Slytherin!

8 years later...and still in Sirius denial.....

I am almost finished reading OOTP....and still Sirius' death hurts me every bit as it did one summer day alot like this 8 years ago. I'll ramble more about this later I am sure, and contemplate as to why it hurts so much.One line I have never noticed before was that Harry felt like the absence of Sirius, of his guardian was like an empty black hole in his heart. I burst into fresh tears at that one.

It's been 8 years...the books are over. He's as good as dead...and yet I can't help but to hope exhasutivly for a loophole.  Sirius denial still......

But for now here are fitting lyrics.

"Tears of hope run down my skin, tears for you that will not dry. They magnify the one within, and let the outside slowly die."   Remember When It Rained, Josh Groban.

To me that line speaks of feeling heartbroken over something that never had a chance or that was never even real...but you still think fondly of that vague hope.

Sirius Black....as I see him in Hogwarts years.

The White Dwarf?

I can't deny that this summer has been quite awesome in many ways. I've had the chance to read so many wonderful books, wrote a little bit,  discover new music and rediscover old music and I've even returned to my old goth haunt, The Church, and began to mingle with my own kind once again. I am making friends, I am coming out of my shell, trying new things and really feeling like I am alive again. It feels like stepping back into my old skin...it feels almost like I have picked right off from the Sarah I cast aside in Arlington. I haven't felt so comfortable with myself ever since I fell into the grip of my emotionally and sexually abusive ex boyfriend. I don't call him by name, not even in my own head. He is known only as I.B (Idiot Boy).

I remember the day the old Sarah got stranded and cast aside. It was Halloween 2008, when I was out partying with IB. He was treating me like such a whore, like I was so utterly and completely disposable...and I just let him do it. I had never had a commited realtionship before, I thought this was acceptable. I was to drunk to realise what was happening that night. The real Sarah would have kicked his drunk ass out of my car and drove the hell off. But I just submitted to him. That night I felt as if my heart went supernova. A supernova is what happens when a super massive star blows itself to bits and for the most part dies.

After the "supernova" all that was left was a empty black hole that devoured any resemblance of life and love that was left. I felt as if I couldn't love myself, nor any others around me. For the past two and a half years or so I have been wondering about my own universe as an aimless black hole, or so I have felt. But now, as time has passed, I am beginning to feel different...I don't feel like a corpse incapable of true, deep seated feeling emotion and devotion. I don't think that a black hole heart could have ever summoned the strengnth to leave him. I don't think that a black hole heart can ever begin to heal, and venture out into the world and the hopes I have left behind.

Maybe what happened to me in  2008 wasn't a supernova, and maybe there isn't a empty black cinder where my heart used to be. Over these past few months and weeks I am feeling something different... a bit of love, trust, devotion, bravery, tenderness, calm, and even a inkling of hope. Maybe my heart never died, but it changed. Maybe before IB my heart was just a plain old regular sized star, that swelled into a red giant, and shed its layers to form a nebula. But deep within the old layers of myself the core of my same heart is still burning, a white hot cinder. In astronomy this star is called a white dwarf. These white dwarf's are relatively boring compared to other strange things the universe has to offer, but they can burn on for billions, maybe even trillions of years; giving off a soft, white light. Deep within their core their atoms have become so fused together that they form a sort of diamond the size of the earth.

Maybe I haven't become a black hole....maybe I am a diamond in the sky. I'll never be capable of a wild life or passionate love affair, but when/if I do find someone that is entranced by this glittering heart, I'll shine on for billions of years. 

I want to hope that I have learned, and that I have changed for the better. There are trillions of black holes out in the cosmos...I just hope I am not one, or that I shall never again fall into the orbit of another.

To better understand what it is I am talking about...hope this helps. :)

The Wastelands

"Well when you say it's gonna happen now, well when exactly do you mean? See I have already waited to long and all my hope is gone." - How Soon is Now, The Smiths

My feelings regarding love and romance can best my summarized by The Smiths/Morrissey these days. I feel sad, desperate and lonely....but utterly incapable of feeling anything but these things. Cold, broken, awkward and unlovable.

It has been almost three years since I have felt true, passionate and requited feelings for another man that isn't a work of fiction. Three long years wondering through The Wastelands in search of sustenance. There have been plenty of moments when I felt attraction to others, and plenty more that felt attraction to me. But my heart could never act upon these attractions. For whatever reason nothing has felt real, nothing has felt true. Nothing but my solitude. For whatever reason my black, shriveled core of a heart told me to STAY AWAY! RUN! RUN NOW! from every attraction that has been since the breakup.

Since my ex I have lost so much that I held dear about love and romance. There was a time when I simply knew that I would fall in love with someone who was my perfect companion. Now I have lost all confidence in my ability to find him, and all hope of him ever finding me.

Solitude is the kindest, and most comfortable lover I have known.

"I wear black on the outside, because black is how I feel on the inside."