The Cure

A short story I wrote for my final project last year. I enjoyed it, with a little polishing up I would love to submit it for publishing.

The Cure


Cain pushed back his ragged blonde hair, and suppressed a shiver. Rumor said the bottom layer of Hell, Cocytus, is forged of ice rather than fire. Cain found actually feeling the cold biting his skin quite disconcerting.

Sirenia lay unmoving on the ice sheet. Her black eyes remained forever locked in a traitorous gaze of seduction. A stake jutted out from the center of her breast. Solemnly Cain pulled his saffron eyes away. He knew well that no hope existed for access to the upper layers of Hell. Killing Sirenia effectively trapped him, just as he had planned.

Cain trudged away without a backward glance, and stalked down the barren path without the slightest sign of faltering. Corpses mortared the walls, the visage of each one twisted in torment. Minutes ticked away…or perhaps millennia. Neither one mattered to Cain. He slipped a hand inside of his coat, pushed aside countless weapons until freeing the gun he sought, an antiquated flintlock pistol.

“Well, you seem quite ready, boy!” issued a ragged voice from nothingness.

Six feet ahead of him a throne forged from human bones materialized within the path. Upon it sat a skeletal figure dressed in gleaming white robes. The figure crouched in an exaggerated fetal position, its black hair hung in wild dreadlocks, the crimson eyes glared out from fathomless eye sockets.

“I am assuming that I need no introduction.” the figure giggled inhumanly.

“Rue, the Vampire King.” Cain stated in a fierce challenge.

The King grinned and hooked a skeletal finger against his lips, exposing inch long fangs. “Did you enjoy the journey? Do you like my kingdom? I have killed so many, absorbed so many souls – but all I can show for it is this corner of hell.”

“Well, my Lord,” Cain scoffed, “You’ve achieved the rank of King. You possess power beyond any other; know secrets that most of our kind never bothers learning. I am certain you embody something of value to me.”


“Is that so, boy?” Rue leaned forward to study the charismatic vampire before him. Cain truly proved himself an exceptional individual. Cain stood tall, well honed with muscle and striking in his leather clothing. The majority of vampires lived as indolent leeches that sloughed through life in bloodstained rags.

“You speak too much, Vampire King. I came to destroy you. That is all we need to say.”

Rue howled in mirth, “Just what do you think my death can offer you? This shoddy corner of hell, or perhaps my throne? No, you must want answers. I see it in those accursed eyes. The human notion to seek answers never quite died within you. You seek the cure to immortality, yes?”

A twinge of emotion tugged at Cain’s face.

The Vampire King shuffled forward. “Astonishing weaponry, boy! I take it that you made a living as a hunter in your human life. Yes, this is interesting. Not only do I see an exceedingly rare vampire in you, but also I see a huntsman. I must represent the biggest game you can bring down. Correct?”

Cain tried to ignore the wretched stench of the King. “Yes, I am desperate for a challenge.”

Rue crowed harshly, “You are telling me you’ve fought your way down through Hell, and slain your beloved just to slake your thirst for the hunt? What a tragedy, what a comedy! How about a trade? You wish to know about the cure, and I am more than happy to surrender that information. Therefore, I will give you the answer, and guide you back to the world above. No more blood shall spill; perhaps you will even find salvation. All you must do is just let me go on living my unlife in peace. What do you say, Cain?”

“You worthless piece of shit.” Cain raised his gun and fired.

A single explosion shattered the air causing icicles to rain down. Rue jolted as a blossom of crimson spread across the center of his chest. He howled without bothering to hide his agony, than sank downward. “ Ah… I am too late I fear!” He giggled even as blood gushed past his lips.

“You didn’t even ATTEMPT to dodge!” Cain shrieked, his face convulsing.

“Why would I do that?”

Cain bent down next to the skeletal vampire and seized its throat. “Talk! I want the answer!”

The King chuckled weakly, amusement flashing in his eyes.

“Stop fucking laughing!” Cain hissed, bared his narrow fangs, than sank down onto Rue’s throat. Life force more potent than any flooded Cain’s mouth. Shocked, Cain yanked away.

The King broke into hysterical laughter, but his voice soon faded. His sunken eyes didn’t close; they remained fixated on the ice above. Soon enough the corpse crumbled into ash colored powder.

Cain pulled away with a groan of pain. Rue’s blood unleashed its power. Tremors rocked Cain’s body. He could no longer feel the cold, instead his brain burned with a torrent of memories from a life more than two thousand years past.


Once again, he felt Sirenia’s hands the first time they touched his skin, saw the flames of her hair, and heard the purr of her voice, “Kiss me, huntsman, and I shall forever be your bride.” He gave no thought of his wife and children awaiting his return. He simply choose her temptation. Instantly Cain wrapped Sirenia within his arms and ravenously found her lips, but she shifted to bite rapaciously into his neck. From that moment onward, he never again fought temptation.

A voice that wasn‘t his own rattled, “Do you see now, boy?”

“What do you mean?” Cain groaned as the memory faded.

“ Think! If you simply returned to your family, lived and savored life, instead of craving Sirenia, would have ever fallen into the depths of Hell to slay me for answers?”

“Is THIS the cure? To savor life and not to crave it?” Cain gasped desperately.

“Yes. We are nothing more than parasites that attach ourselves to the pleasures of life. However, what if we evolved beyond such needs? What if instead of constant temptation, we learned satisfaction? That is the only cure. To evolve, to stop wanting, seek contentment and simply live.”

“I understand…we must change our instincts. Relearn our humanity” Cain whispered and pulled himself up from the dust heap that remained of his prize. “I shall let our race know. Thank you Rue, my King.”

“Going somewhere? That will prove a problem, you‘ve forgotten a serious conundrum.”

“What…” Cain broke off and frantically recalled the details of the icy cavern. He saw nothing except empty throne. He found no exit, no cracks in the walls, only entrance that he had forever sealed off. “NO!” he shrieked. “It…can’t be…”

After all these years immersed in sin, he‘d descended into the lowest level of Hell, one from which nothing escaped. Screaming, Cain began to claw frantically at the walls. Corpses tumbled out of the ice sheets and stared blankly up at him.

At last, Cain drew back, weeping in his helplessness. Crimson tears coursed down his cheeks.

One final time the Vampire King’s voice twittered, “ Ah…so much like me. Welcome to your new kingdom, boy!”


The End


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Rune Reading: December 10th 2011

Done on the Ipad. Giggity.



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D: Vampire Hunter

This is my favorite piece of this semester, an Italian sonnet inspired by Vampire Hunter D! It seems like once a year I write sonnets inspired by fictional characters. Enjoy! :D



D: Vampire Hunter

The starlight illuminates the road,
and I gaze up at the pale moon.
I possess features from diamonds hewn,
from these hands rivers of blood flowed.
In this immortal form, time never slowed.
Against love, I alone prove immune!
I seek my maker behind every dune,
the stars exist merely to mock and goad.

I cut down his image with my sword
clinched in hand. Steeling my resolve to ice.
Form shimmers; warps into the mother I lost.
"D...please forgive me. My fate is abhorred."
Futile words! Illusion! Through her I slice.
I never feel my heart beneath the frost.




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The Bride

Wrote this poem a couple of months back. Enjoy!





The Bride

Today, I am the bride who walks down the aisle alone;
No priest officiated the ceremony; no witnesses beheld the sight
as I slipped the pearl ring onto my own finger.
Heute heirate mich ich. (Today, I marry myself)

I gaze at the glitters of distant worlds
and push the lace from my eyes.
If I could walk across the waves,
if I could tread oceans, would I find you;
my faceless beloved?
Perhaps you stand in the same surf,
paralyzed by the same stars.
Wo bist du? (Where are you?)

A cloud drifts past a cluster of worlds,
throwing a veil between the only sight we share.
Are our chances as veiled as my face?
Perhaps I shall hold this bouquet until the roses wither,
questioning if we shall ever embrace.
Horst du mich? Horst du mich nicht? (Do you hear me? Do you hear me not?)

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Detective L : A sonnet

Why did I write this? Well, as I recall we were going over sonnets in an old creative writing class and were told to make them slightly romantic. The most romance going on in my life was the fact that I had watched Death Note, and fallen in love with the detective L. So....I took the only "love" I felt in my life and wrote this. A "love" poem for a fictional character.



Detective L



The great bard begged it best,
"What is your substance? Whereof are you made?"
Across static thine obsidian eyes fill me with zest.
And I - captivated in the ragged flow of hair the midnight shade.
Bathed in a pale light, I laugh. Your posture defied word.
Yet I witness your mind analyze faster than belief.
From you flows a voice, colder and more calculated, as any heard.
From your bitterness, only the sugar balanced in thine hand, shall give relief.
Each glorious imperfection is made to show-
Why can such flaws exist, and all the same my heart leaps?
Those eyes are empty cells of animation, held forever low.
Yet in them justice never sleeps.

"What are you?" my mind does scream.
"Do you live? Are you anything more than movement across a screen?"

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The Outside

**The assignment was to create a short narrative based on a dream. Here is what I came up with."


The Outside

The outside world ended two days ago, but I will never again know anything outside of these riveted, steel doors. When the world ends, power must fail. When power fails prisons form in the most unlikely places. Still, the end of the world is no excuse to miss work. When the modern world exhaled its final dying gasp I found myself within the frozen dough freezer. I could have sworn that the exit was manually operated, but I swore incorrectly. The power failed, and so did my escape. No. I am not destined to freeze to death. Rather I will starve surrounded by fleshy masses of half thawed dough. I hear it again, a tiny clacking in the right corner of my steel prison. Skritch. Skritch. Skritch. The steady scratching times well with the drip, drip. drip of melting ice. They are my only companions, along with the fungal stench of rising bread. Skritch! Skritch! Drip! Drip! Skritch! I am not sure how long passes before the impatient skritch morphs into an angry scrape. Chunks of metal peel forward, and claws hook through the gap. Against Death, stainless steel walls prove quite weak. Fear builds, a raging inferno in my chest. Fur coated paws press through the breached wall, drooling maws and blazing gold eyes follow. A pack of wolves crawls through the wall and lurch for me, their immobilized prey. I finally shriek, run wildly and stumbled over boxes scattered haphazardly about. Suddenly I stop, an image flashes across my mind. I see photographs of pigs undergoing various stages of decay. Their bodies bloated with intestinal gases, and maggots...no...maggot masses swarmed their flesh. I am comforted. At least that wont be me...at least I wont have any intestines left to bloat me...at least I wont have any maggot masses. Rats can have the remains of me. Rats are much cutier than maggots...


Meaning: This was a very short dream for me, it happened in the span of about 20 minutes but it is packed with more sense than most of my dreams. The most obvious meaning in my eyes isn't even the haunting image of Death, but rather my fears and anxieties regarding work. I have worked in a bakery for five years and never truly loved the job. The wolves are symbols of debt, career and fear of failure rushing in to overwhelm me. I think of the decaying pig images because the series of images fascinates me and and haunts me. Death is a big factor in this dream, but I feel my decision to accept Death quietly is very potent. It's as though I would rather the wolves of debt and career failure overwhelm me than to put up a fight. It is a very defeated dream no matter how you look at it.


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Between the Veil

Happy belated Halloween/Samhain all! (I had to try THREE differnet computers before Blogger let me post! SCHIESSE!)


On this day let us not forget the meaning of this holiday...I never put on a mask/costume without thinking of the meaning behind it. This year I decided to be Alice in Wonderland because I have been feeling as if I am resuming my own personal quest of discovery. It is a strange, twisted and whimsical path.

Don't forget that the reason we beg for sweets from door to door is to stave off the ghosts, the reminders of our own mortality. It was once believed that giving ghosts sweets or food on this day would keep them from haunting the living. I have not experienced the death of loved ones (that weren't a pet,) but there are still spirits that I connect with. Spirits that cannot exist in the world of living.

Don't forget that the reason we think of ghosts on this night is because it was once believed that the "veil" between the worlds is thinnest at this time of year. The world of the living and the world of the dead touch and crossover. I feel ghosts constantly at this time of year, I seem to be slightly empathic to ghosts...but I very rarely hear or see them. Rather I feel as if I have an internal ghost radar within my mind.

There is more to Halloween than just sweets, costumes and scary movies. I still celebrate each of these original reasons of its founding. Live it! Love it! Love it to death! :P


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Lessons in Sarahish Part Three

Azkaban...a place or a situation that is either miserable or just plain sucky. It is usually applied in terms of work, annoyances and sometimes a tragic situation.

Origins... I am unhealthy obsessed with Harry Potter. The third book remains one of the main reasons I have chosen to attempt a career in literature. The character development just floors me every single time I read it. Since the age of 16 that book has shaped so much of my life. One of the things that strikes me most is just how terrible Azkaban prison seems...even tho she never actually wrote a detailed description of what life in Az is like, but we see that everyone who leaves returns either insane or deeply haunted, and looking like concentration camp victims. The prison literally sucks every happy memory from their victims. Granted I have never been anywhere near as terrible as Azkaban but there are certianly several places/situations that make speakers of Sarahish feel pretty darn miserable.  

Example: "I am in overdraft again! What an Azkaban!" 


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Spring....Spring Nicht!

I wish I could post a more upbeat entry, and post more often but this month I have been so crushed with stress and anxiety that it just isn't possible. It is a little bit of everything. School work (although for the most part I really enjoy school.) my crappy dating life and lack of free time...but it is mostly work. 
Over the past month or so I have gone from tolerating my job, lets just call it "The Krusty Krab" , to downright hating it. I have never ever had a promotion, I am never allowed a sick day, and they have been working me like a slave. I am not just doing a mans job...I am doing the job of three grown men. And I have seen buff, tall men cry and freak out while doing my job. I feel like a miner, like a sklave (slave), a servant, a faceless slug... lately I have been breaking down every day, several times a day with the workload that is thrust on me. They refuse to hire additional help. 
I am thinking very Siriusly (haha, I am a such a Potter geek.) of begging my doctor for a medical leave of absence, at least for a week or two. I just don't know what else to do. Quitting is not a option because I desperately need the insurance and the income. But I have been hurting myself and contemplating suicide because I just cannot deal with my anger and frustration any other way. I hope if I can just have some time off than maybe I can heal a little bit. 
Just in the past 24 hours I have thought of jumping off bridges, steering myself into fiery car crashes, cutting my wrists open the right way, drowning, dying of a plauge...
There is a Rammstein song named "Spring" (Jump) that describes exactly how I feel sometimes...actually it is about a guy who climbs a bridge and has second thoughts of killing himself, but a crowd has gathered below and is screaming for him to jump. 

Heimlich schiebt sich eine Wolke vor die Sonne es wird kalt Doch tausend Sonnen brennen nur für dich Ich schleich mich heimlich auf die Brücke Tret ihm von hinten in den Rücken Erlöse ihn von dieser Schmach und schrei ihm nach...SPRING!

(A cloud moves in secret in front of the sun, it gets cold But a thousand suns burn just for you I creep onto the bridge in secret and kick him in the back from behind I redeem him from this shame and I scream to him...JUMP!)

But...as upset as I get I know that it is just my distress talking. I don't want to kill myself, I want to keep living. There is so much I haven't done yet, I haven't even been officially published yet! I haven't been to Germany or found true gothic love. I haunt been camping, or lived comfortably on my own, I haven't even properly seen the stars. I have to start thinking of all the little things I haven't done yet, and all the major things I haven't done. 
In times of great distress I have relied on a spiritual guardian to help me, and now is no exception. Through dreams, feelings, symbols and even the occasional faint manifestation my guiding spirit helps me find strength and gives me the will to keep fighting. I think it is alot like Christians rely on Jesus to help inspire strength...well I am Wiccan, and do much the same with spirits and guardians. 
After all...isn't Jesus the holy ghost? 
This is where I relate to another German song, "Spring Nicht" (Dont Jump) by Tokio Hotel. This song helps calm me down, helps me think of my inner strength and spiritual path. 


Ich schrei in die nacht für dich Lass mich nicht im stich, spring nicht ! die lichter fangen dich nicht die betrügen dich, spring nicht ! Erinner dich, an dich und mich die welt da unten zählt nicht bitte, spring nicht.

(I scream in the night for you Don't leave me alone, don't jump! the lights won't catch you up they are betraying you, don't jump! Remember you and me the world down there doesn't count Please, don't jump!)

So, ja...that is my life at the moment. It can mostly be broken down into German words, panic attacks and utter frustration.
I do have some hope...I tend to break down once a year or so, but I have been very lucky this year. I have alot more people around me who care for me and are trying to help me through this. I am praying hard to the Universe that soon the worst of my troubles will be over. 

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Lessons in Sarahish- Yaxley

Yaxley: an individual (usually male) or group of people that possess substandard intelligence. Their only goal in life is to consume, fuck and annoy. 

Origin: This term has roots tracing all the way back to when the Harry Potter books were being released. My sister and I noticed that the Death Eaters kept multiplying dramatically, and we said they were "breeding like roaches". At the time I was in the middle of a move and was hoping none of the occasional roaches I once had would follow me home. One little guy did, I proptely named him "Yaxley" after a Death Eater in Harry Potter who fittingly enough grabbed onto Hermoine's hand and followed the trio to their hideout. Upon re-reading Harry Potter this year me and my sis started to refer to Death Eaters as simply "Yaxleys" and soon enough the term spread to mean horney creepy guys, and generally just anyone who annoys us.

Example: "I don't believe it! Another Yaxley started following me around after class!"  

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Lessons in saraish: Word One

Sarahish. A hybrid language unquie to Sarah Kimball and her sister. It is a combination of English, German, The Simpsons, Harry Potter...and a million other pop culture references.


Lemon Test: A test of ones intelligence.

Orgin: It started when my sissy got this awesome shirt of a glass of lemonade and a lemon beside it in tears and saying "Mom?" Even my niece understood that it was a sad/funny shirt, but we began to noticing a lot of people didn't understand the shirt. The shirt was almost like a test of intelligence.

Example: "Man...this guy is acting like such an idoit...defiantly wouldn't pass the lemon test." 


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The Conversational Oort Cloud

Defination: The Oort Cloud.

First you have the sun. Than you have the solar system. Beyond Neptune you have Pluto (which is TOTALLY a planet, and my future home :P) and beyond tiny icy Pluto you have a ton of asteroids, comets and tons of other things left over from the formation of the planets. And then you have what is called the Oort Cloud. The Oort cloud is the farthest you can be from the sun and still be in the solar system. It would take light one year to travel to the Oort cloud. It is about a 1/4th of the way toward the nearest star. The cloud is essentially made up of comets and dust, but recent studies show that it has thick bubbles of matieral around it, and scietensts speculate that these weird bubbles actully protect the solar system from gamma ray radiation.

Why do I bring this up? Well this is one my random terms I came up with in a moment of bordem. When it comes to social situations I feel like a conversational Oort cloud. I am as far and removed from the sun, from the center of the conversation, as you can possibly be. I don't know what to say, when I should talk, what I supposed to be doing with myself when I am not speaking or even when to look someone in the eye. I didn't even know that you are supposed to look pepole in the eye when you speak to them until I was ten years old.

I wonder if it will ever be possible for me to simply learn, to read up on how people actually socialize, to practice...and actually apply myself. But why do I have to STUDY socializing? How come most everyone else simply does it? Simply fits into a group while I merly hover as the conversational Oort cloud? How come none of this ever came naturally to me? I know I'll never find "love" if I can incapable of socialization...I will also never move up in the world , and never be anything more than a Krusty slave.

So...where do I start? : /

Almost like....

"I enjoyed the meetings too." said Luna serenely. "It was like having friends."




For some reason...mostly at work, I have been feeling utterly, and crushingly lonely. Like bash my head against the wall and hang myself in the freezer lonely (not that I have done any of these things or entertained the thought for more than a few seconds.) My Facebook is rather quite, save for close few. My phone only plays the Mysterious Ticking Noise a few spare times a day. My email is flooded with receipts of my Itunes App purchases, but no real correspondence and I have deleted my contacts list so drastically that one scroll shows everyone.

For some reason or another, I have lost so many friends. Sometimes it was backstabbing, sometimes it was because they got a raging hard on for me, and sometimes we just never talked that much. I still have a couple of friends, and I value the ones I have, but lately I just can't help but to mourn my losses. In most cases I just didn't know how to be an adequate friend, and my attempts were painful and strained. I go through this every few months, periods of utter quite in my social life. I try not to take it too hard, I am borderline Autistic/Aspergers (although a "psychologist" said I am not...but he was also trying to grope me as he said so. Very credible, yes?) so socializing is always going to be a struggle for me.

But I just won't change my ways. Those friend who have stuck around my this long much see something wonderful in cold, loony Slytherin me. That must make them truly wonderful people, right?

I just....I really want more!!

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Location:Fort Worth,United States

Ich habe ein Ipad

And so far is almost everything I thought it could be... currently having hell trying to get all my passwords working. They seem to just HATE the Ipad...and I KNOW they are right! >( But the passwords aside it is pretty damn kick ass thus far.

It's name is Salazar Slytherin! :) Naturalish!

Other than Salazar the biggest event on my life are my new body mods (two small tats and a Monroe piercing), and the fact that I am going to back to school! I am taking History, Psych, Creative Writing and German III. Hope I can actually make it work!
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8 years later...and still in Sirius denial.....

I am almost finished reading OOTP....and still Sirius' death hurts me every bit as it did one summer day alot like this 8 years ago. I'll ramble more about this later I am sure, and contemplate as to why it hurts so much.One line I have never noticed before was that Harry felt like the absence of Sirius, of his guardian was like an empty black hole in his heart. I burst into fresh tears at that one.

It's been 8 years...the books are over. He's as good as dead...and yet I can't help but to hope exhasutivly for a loophole.  Sirius denial still......

But for now here are fitting lyrics.

"Tears of hope run down my skin, tears for you that will not dry. They magnify the one within, and let the outside slowly die."   Remember When It Rained, Josh Groban.

To me that line speaks of feeling heartbroken over something that never had a chance or that was never even real...but you still think fondly of that vague hope.

Sirius Black....as I see him in Hogwarts years.

The White Dwarf?

I can't deny that this summer has been quite awesome in many ways. I've had the chance to read so many wonderful books, wrote a little bit,  discover new music and rediscover old music and I've even returned to my old goth haunt, The Church, and began to mingle with my own kind once again. I am making friends, I am coming out of my shell, trying new things and really feeling like I am alive again. It feels like stepping back into my old skin...it feels almost like I have picked right off from the Sarah I cast aside in Arlington. I haven't felt so comfortable with myself ever since I fell into the grip of my emotionally and sexually abusive ex boyfriend. I don't call him by name, not even in my own head. He is known only as I.B (Idiot Boy).

I remember the day the old Sarah got stranded and cast aside. It was Halloween 2008, when I was out partying with IB. He was treating me like such a whore, like I was so utterly and completely disposable...and I just let him do it. I had never had a commited realtionship before, I thought this was acceptable. I was to drunk to realise what was happening that night. The real Sarah would have kicked his drunk ass out of my car and drove the hell off. But I just submitted to him. That night I felt as if my heart went supernova. A supernova is what happens when a super massive star blows itself to bits and for the most part dies.

After the "supernova" all that was left was a empty black hole that devoured any resemblance of life and love that was left. I felt as if I couldn't love myself, nor any others around me. For the past two and a half years or so I have been wondering about my own universe as an aimless black hole, or so I have felt. But now, as time has passed, I am beginning to feel different...I don't feel like a corpse incapable of true, deep seated feeling emotion and devotion. I don't think that a black hole heart could have ever summoned the strengnth to leave him. I don't think that a black hole heart can ever begin to heal, and venture out into the world and the hopes I have left behind.

Maybe what happened to me in  2008 wasn't a supernova, and maybe there isn't a empty black cinder where my heart used to be. Over these past few months and weeks I am feeling something different... a bit of love, trust, devotion, bravery, tenderness, calm, and even a inkling of hope. Maybe my heart never died, but it changed. Maybe before IB my heart was just a plain old regular sized star, that swelled into a red giant, and shed its layers to form a nebula. But deep within the old layers of myself the core of my same heart is still burning, a white hot cinder. In astronomy this star is called a white dwarf. These white dwarf's are relatively boring compared to other strange things the universe has to offer, but they can burn on for billions, maybe even trillions of years; giving off a soft, white light. Deep within their core their atoms have become so fused together that they form a sort of diamond the size of the earth.

Maybe I haven't become a black hole....maybe I am a diamond in the sky. I'll never be capable of a wild life or passionate love affair, but when/if I do find someone that is entranced by this glittering heart, I'll shine on for billions of years. 

I want to hope that I have learned, and that I have changed for the better. There are trillions of black holes out in the cosmos...I just hope I am not one, or that I shall never again fall into the orbit of another.

To better understand what it is I am talking about...hope this helps. :)

Skool Soon!

This time next week I shall be going back to school...this time FULL time if I can possibly manage it! I am taking Creative Writing II, German III, History and Psych. Any day now I will be receiving the rest of my school loan money. My classes have already been paid for, but even after classes and books I am going to be left with lots for just myself! I am ridiculously excited about this. I have never been in possession of so much money that is all for me. I am going to make a tentative list of gifts I shall soon purchase for myself! :)

* An Ipad. I already have one picked out and have it named, I shall deem it "Salazar Slytherin". I hope that having an Ipad will help me cut down on the ridiculous amounts of notebooks I cart around with me. I believe it shall be a wise investment for both my school years and the writer in me. ( Bought!)

* Three Tattoos. The first one is actually for my sissy. We've wanted to be The Slytherin Sisters for ages and have matching tattoos to prove it. I have a Slytherin crest on my left arm, so I am loaning her the cash to get one on her ankle. The two I am planning on getting are small, but vast in meaning. The first is the sign of the Deathly Hallows. It's directly from Harry Potter. It represents the "Master of Death", which in truth is someone humble enough to accept it's inevitability, and view it as the next great adventure.

The second tattoo I am planning on getting is a sigil from the Harry Potter movies that was on Sirius Black's chest. Anyone who listens to me ramble about Potter knows I am unhealthily obsessed with Sirius, but I cannot stand Gary Oldman's portrayal of him...with the sole exception of his tattoos. I love the tats. The meaning of this sigil is somewhat unclear but most fans agree that it is close to the symbol of Neptune, and likely represents dreams, magic, fate, destiny and prophecy. One theory I found suggests that it is dimly representative of the constellation Sirius itself. I love it all, so I am hoping to get this symbol right along side of the Deathly Hallows. In the end I shall have all the things that I love most about the series: Slytherin, Death/Life/Rebirth and Sirius. A Harry Potter geek thrice over. :)

* Clothes. I NEED CLOTHES! BAD! Goodwill here I come!  (BOUGHT! :))

*Jewelry/Makeup. A goth is never complete without a ton of these. (BOUGHT!)

*Absinthe. This addictive bottle of awesomeness runs like 70 bucks a bottle. :*( But if I can find somewhere the sells it, and I have the funds left over than I am all over this. Oddly enough...I just HATE most alchoal, but the effect a nice glass of absinthe has on me if FAR different than being drunk. It is more like being stoned. And YES is does help with creativity...but it isn't dangerous as long as it is consumed in moderation. (BOUGHT)

*Yaxley's wand. Again with the Harry Potter geekness. :) I got my sister Snape's wand a few years back and I've always wanted a wand for myself. I pawed through the whole Noble collection looking for a wand that called to me, and this was the the one that did. It just looks like something a Slytherin would wield. And it's funny because me and my sis have a inside joke about Yaxley and all Death Eatter's so I have to get it just for that.



The Wastelands

"Well when you say it's gonna happen now, well when exactly do you mean? See I have already waited to long and all my hope is gone." - How Soon is Now, The Smiths

My feelings regarding love and romance can best my summarized by The Smiths/Morrissey these days. I feel sad, desperate and lonely....but utterly incapable of feeling anything but these things. Cold, broken, awkward and unlovable.

It has been almost three years since I have felt true, passionate and requited feelings for another man that isn't a work of fiction. Three long years wondering through The Wastelands in search of sustenance. There have been plenty of moments when I felt attraction to others, and plenty more that felt attraction to me. But my heart could never act upon these attractions. For whatever reason nothing has felt real, nothing has felt true. Nothing but my solitude. For whatever reason my black, shriveled core of a heart told me to STAY AWAY! RUN! RUN NOW! from every attraction that has been since the breakup.

Since my ex I have lost so much that I held dear about love and romance. There was a time when I simply knew that I would fall in love with someone who was my perfect companion. Now I have lost all confidence in my ability to find him, and all hope of him ever finding me.

Solitude is the kindest, and most comfortable lover I have known.

"I wear black on the outside, because black is how I feel on the inside."

The Real Names of Harry Potter

My sis and I created these. These are, what we feel are the correct names for the Harry Potter books/movies.

1. Harry Potter and the only one for kids.
2. Harry Potter and the reason Slytherin kicks ass.
3. Harry Potter and the best one ever.
4. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Crap
5. Harry Potter and the Emo angst.
6. Harry Potter a bunch of Horcruxes and Snape at the end.
7. Harry Potter pitches a tent / Harry Potter and the massive slaughter.