Over the past month or so I have gone from tolerating my job, lets just call it "The Krusty Krab" , to downright hating it. I have never ever had a promotion, I am never allowed a sick day, and they have been working me like a slave. I am not just doing a mans job...I am doing the job of three grown men. And I have seen buff, tall men cry and freak out while doing my job. I feel like a miner, like a sklave (slave), a servant, a faceless slug... lately I have been breaking down every day, several times a day with the workload that is thrust on me. They refuse to hire additional help.
I am thinking very Siriusly (haha, I am a such a Potter geek.) of begging my doctor for a medical leave of absence, at least for a week or two. I just don't know what else to do. Quitting is not a option because I desperately need the insurance and the income. But I have been hurting myself and contemplating suicide because I just cannot deal with my anger and frustration any other way. I hope if I can just have some time off than maybe I can heal a little bit.
Just in the past 24 hours I have thought of jumping off bridges, steering myself into fiery car crashes, cutting my wrists open the right way, drowning, dying of a plauge...
There is a Rammstein song named "Spring" (Jump) that describes exactly how I feel sometimes...actually it is about a guy who climbs a bridge and has second thoughts of killing himself, but a crowd has gathered below and is screaming for him to jump.
Heimlich schiebt sich eine Wolke vor die Sonne es wird kalt Doch tausend Sonnen brennen nur für dich Ich schleich mich heimlich auf die Brücke Tret ihm von hinten in den Rücken Erlöse ihn von dieser Schmach und schrei ihm nach...SPRING!
(A cloud moves in secret in front of the sun, it gets cold But a thousand suns burn just for you I creep onto the bridge in secret and kick him in the back from behind I redeem him from this shame and I scream to him...JUMP!)
But...as upset as I get I know that it is just my distress talking. I don't want to kill myself, I want to keep living. There is so much I haven't done yet, I haven't even been officially published yet! I haven't been to Germany or found true gothic love. I haunt been camping, or lived comfortably on my own, I haven't even properly seen the stars. I have to start thinking of all the little things I haven't done yet, and all the major things I haven't done.
In times of great distress I have relied on a spiritual guardian to help me, and now is no exception. Through dreams, feelings, symbols and even the occasional faint manifestation my guiding spirit helps me find strength and gives me the will to keep fighting. I think it is alot like Christians rely on Jesus to help inspire strength...well I am Wiccan, and do much the same with spirits and guardians.
After all...isn't Jesus the holy ghost?
This is where I relate to another German song, "Spring Nicht" (Dont Jump) by Tokio Hotel. This song helps calm me down, helps me think of my inner strength and spiritual path.
Ich schrei in die nacht für dich Lass mich nicht im stich, spring nicht ! die lichter fangen dich nicht die betrügen dich, spring nicht ! Erinner dich, an dich und mich die welt da unten zählt nicht bitte, spring nicht.
(I scream in the night for you Don't leave me alone, don't jump! the lights won't catch you up they are betraying you, don't jump! Remember you and me the world down there doesn't count Please, don't jump!)
So, ja...that is my life at the moment. It can mostly be broken down into German words, panic attacks and utter frustration.
I do have some hope...I tend to break down once a year or so, but I have been very lucky this year. I have alot more people around me who care for me and are trying to help me through this. I am praying hard to the Universe that soon the worst of my troubles will be over.
- Posted using the awesomeness of Salazar Slytherin!
2 comments:
First of all, the picture I had on my blog could apply perfectly here! I think my biggest breakdown/transition in my life was my whole Saturn Return period, but even then I wasn't contemplating killing myself. But when I was 13 I was. I was really close to doing it but ironically enough the main thing that stopped me was "I haven't been to Germany yet." I think I have an old poem about this moment somewhere. Well, that was 23 years ago and unfortunately I'm not any closer to going to Germany but I have done other stuff on that list (and yes, having Loaves was one of them, lol). I am glad you have us around and your spiritual gaurdians. As for hate for the Krusty... I feel you. My Krusty experience hasn't been that bad (its not great but its not soul crushing) but a few years ago I did have a job that bad ("Azkaban Insurance") where I used to have those seizure type panic attacks.
Ohh yeah! That picture would be awesome! :D Man it sucks that the Krusty is like trying to become the next soul crushing Horcux, it is the only job that still exists out there. I suppose one of these days my next Horcrux shall be an icing bag.
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