The White Dwarf?

I can't deny that this summer has been quite awesome in many ways. I've had the chance to read so many wonderful books, wrote a little bit,  discover new music and rediscover old music and I've even returned to my old goth haunt, The Church, and began to mingle with my own kind once again. I am making friends, I am coming out of my shell, trying new things and really feeling like I am alive again. It feels like stepping back into my old skin...it feels almost like I have picked right off from the Sarah I cast aside in Arlington. I haven't felt so comfortable with myself ever since I fell into the grip of my emotionally and sexually abusive ex boyfriend. I don't call him by name, not even in my own head. He is known only as I.B (Idiot Boy).

I remember the day the old Sarah got stranded and cast aside. It was Halloween 2008, when I was out partying with IB. He was treating me like such a whore, like I was so utterly and completely disposable...and I just let him do it. I had never had a commited realtionship before, I thought this was acceptable. I was to drunk to realise what was happening that night. The real Sarah would have kicked his drunk ass out of my car and drove the hell off. But I just submitted to him. That night I felt as if my heart went supernova. A supernova is what happens when a super massive star blows itself to bits and for the most part dies.

After the "supernova" all that was left was a empty black hole that devoured any resemblance of life and love that was left. I felt as if I couldn't love myself, nor any others around me. For the past two and a half years or so I have been wondering about my own universe as an aimless black hole, or so I have felt. But now, as time has passed, I am beginning to feel different...I don't feel like a corpse incapable of true, deep seated feeling emotion and devotion. I don't think that a black hole heart could have ever summoned the strengnth to leave him. I don't think that a black hole heart can ever begin to heal, and venture out into the world and the hopes I have left behind.

Maybe what happened to me in  2008 wasn't a supernova, and maybe there isn't a empty black cinder where my heart used to be. Over these past few months and weeks I am feeling something different... a bit of love, trust, devotion, bravery, tenderness, calm, and even a inkling of hope. Maybe my heart never died, but it changed. Maybe before IB my heart was just a plain old regular sized star, that swelled into a red giant, and shed its layers to form a nebula. But deep within the old layers of myself the core of my same heart is still burning, a white hot cinder. In astronomy this star is called a white dwarf. These white dwarf's are relatively boring compared to other strange things the universe has to offer, but they can burn on for billions, maybe even trillions of years; giving off a soft, white light. Deep within their core their atoms have become so fused together that they form a sort of diamond the size of the earth.

Maybe I haven't become a black hole....maybe I am a diamond in the sky. I'll never be capable of a wild life or passionate love affair, but when/if I do find someone that is entranced by this glittering heart, I'll shine on for billions of years. 

I want to hope that I have learned, and that I have changed for the better. There are trillions of black holes out in the cosmos...I just hope I am not one, or that I shall never again fall into the orbit of another.

To better understand what it is I am talking about...hope this helps. :)