Ich habe ein Ipad

And so far is almost everything I thought it could be... currently having hell trying to get all my passwords working. They seem to just HATE the Ipad...and I KNOW they are right! >( But the passwords aside it is pretty damn kick ass thus far.

It's name is Salazar Slytherin! :) Naturalish!

Other than Salazar the biggest event on my life are my new body mods (two small tats and a Monroe piercing), and the fact that I am going to back to school! I am taking History, Psych, Creative Writing and German III. Hope I can actually make it work!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

8 years later...and still in Sirius denial.....

I am almost finished reading OOTP....and still Sirius' death hurts me every bit as it did one summer day alot like this 8 years ago. I'll ramble more about this later I am sure, and contemplate as to why it hurts so much.One line I have never noticed before was that Harry felt like the absence of Sirius, of his guardian was like an empty black hole in his heart. I burst into fresh tears at that one.

It's been 8 years...the books are over. He's as good as dead...and yet I can't help but to hope exhasutivly for a loophole.  Sirius denial still......

But for now here are fitting lyrics.

"Tears of hope run down my skin, tears for you that will not dry. They magnify the one within, and let the outside slowly die."   Remember When It Rained, Josh Groban.

To me that line speaks of feeling heartbroken over something that never had a chance or that was never even real...but you still think fondly of that vague hope.

Sirius Black....as I see him in Hogwarts years.

The White Dwarf?

I can't deny that this summer has been quite awesome in many ways. I've had the chance to read so many wonderful books, wrote a little bit,  discover new music and rediscover old music and I've even returned to my old goth haunt, The Church, and began to mingle with my own kind once again. I am making friends, I am coming out of my shell, trying new things and really feeling like I am alive again. It feels like stepping back into my old skin...it feels almost like I have picked right off from the Sarah I cast aside in Arlington. I haven't felt so comfortable with myself ever since I fell into the grip of my emotionally and sexually abusive ex boyfriend. I don't call him by name, not even in my own head. He is known only as I.B (Idiot Boy).

I remember the day the old Sarah got stranded and cast aside. It was Halloween 2008, when I was out partying with IB. He was treating me like such a whore, like I was so utterly and completely disposable...and I just let him do it. I had never had a commited realtionship before, I thought this was acceptable. I was to drunk to realise what was happening that night. The real Sarah would have kicked his drunk ass out of my car and drove the hell off. But I just submitted to him. That night I felt as if my heart went supernova. A supernova is what happens when a super massive star blows itself to bits and for the most part dies.

After the "supernova" all that was left was a empty black hole that devoured any resemblance of life and love that was left. I felt as if I couldn't love myself, nor any others around me. For the past two and a half years or so I have been wondering about my own universe as an aimless black hole, or so I have felt. But now, as time has passed, I am beginning to feel different...I don't feel like a corpse incapable of true, deep seated feeling emotion and devotion. I don't think that a black hole heart could have ever summoned the strengnth to leave him. I don't think that a black hole heart can ever begin to heal, and venture out into the world and the hopes I have left behind.

Maybe what happened to me in  2008 wasn't a supernova, and maybe there isn't a empty black cinder where my heart used to be. Over these past few months and weeks I am feeling something different... a bit of love, trust, devotion, bravery, tenderness, calm, and even a inkling of hope. Maybe my heart never died, but it changed. Maybe before IB my heart was just a plain old regular sized star, that swelled into a red giant, and shed its layers to form a nebula. But deep within the old layers of myself the core of my same heart is still burning, a white hot cinder. In astronomy this star is called a white dwarf. These white dwarf's are relatively boring compared to other strange things the universe has to offer, but they can burn on for billions, maybe even trillions of years; giving off a soft, white light. Deep within their core their atoms have become so fused together that they form a sort of diamond the size of the earth.

Maybe I haven't become a black hole....maybe I am a diamond in the sky. I'll never be capable of a wild life or passionate love affair, but when/if I do find someone that is entranced by this glittering heart, I'll shine on for billions of years. 

I want to hope that I have learned, and that I have changed for the better. There are trillions of black holes out in the cosmos...I just hope I am not one, or that I shall never again fall into the orbit of another.

To better understand what it is I am talking about...hope this helps. :)

Skool Soon!

This time next week I shall be going back to school...this time FULL time if I can possibly manage it! I am taking Creative Writing II, German III, History and Psych. Any day now I will be receiving the rest of my school loan money. My classes have already been paid for, but even after classes and books I am going to be left with lots for just myself! I am ridiculously excited about this. I have never been in possession of so much money that is all for me. I am going to make a tentative list of gifts I shall soon purchase for myself! :)

* An Ipad. I already have one picked out and have it named, I shall deem it "Salazar Slytherin". I hope that having an Ipad will help me cut down on the ridiculous amounts of notebooks I cart around with me. I believe it shall be a wise investment for both my school years and the writer in me. ( Bought!)

* Three Tattoos. The first one is actually for my sissy. We've wanted to be The Slytherin Sisters for ages and have matching tattoos to prove it. I have a Slytherin crest on my left arm, so I am loaning her the cash to get one on her ankle. The two I am planning on getting are small, but vast in meaning. The first is the sign of the Deathly Hallows. It's directly from Harry Potter. It represents the "Master of Death", which in truth is someone humble enough to accept it's inevitability, and view it as the next great adventure.

The second tattoo I am planning on getting is a sigil from the Harry Potter movies that was on Sirius Black's chest. Anyone who listens to me ramble about Potter knows I am unhealthily obsessed with Sirius, but I cannot stand Gary Oldman's portrayal of him...with the sole exception of his tattoos. I love the tats. The meaning of this sigil is somewhat unclear but most fans agree that it is close to the symbol of Neptune, and likely represents dreams, magic, fate, destiny and prophecy. One theory I found suggests that it is dimly representative of the constellation Sirius itself. I love it all, so I am hoping to get this symbol right along side of the Deathly Hallows. In the end I shall have all the things that I love most about the series: Slytherin, Death/Life/Rebirth and Sirius. A Harry Potter geek thrice over. :)

* Clothes. I NEED CLOTHES! BAD! Goodwill here I come!  (BOUGHT! :))

*Jewelry/Makeup. A goth is never complete without a ton of these. (BOUGHT!)

*Absinthe. This addictive bottle of awesomeness runs like 70 bucks a bottle. :*( But if I can find somewhere the sells it, and I have the funds left over than I am all over this. Oddly enough...I just HATE most alchoal, but the effect a nice glass of absinthe has on me if FAR different than being drunk. It is more like being stoned. And YES is does help with creativity...but it isn't dangerous as long as it is consumed in moderation. (BOUGHT)

*Yaxley's wand. Again with the Harry Potter geekness. :) I got my sister Snape's wand a few years back and I've always wanted a wand for myself. I pawed through the whole Noble collection looking for a wand that called to me, and this was the the one that did. It just looks like something a Slytherin would wield. And it's funny because me and my sis have a inside joke about Yaxley and all Death Eatter's so I have to get it just for that.



The Wastelands

"Well when you say it's gonna happen now, well when exactly do you mean? See I have already waited to long and all my hope is gone." - How Soon is Now, The Smiths

My feelings regarding love and romance can best my summarized by The Smiths/Morrissey these days. I feel sad, desperate and lonely....but utterly incapable of feeling anything but these things. Cold, broken, awkward and unlovable.

It has been almost three years since I have felt true, passionate and requited feelings for another man that isn't a work of fiction. Three long years wondering through The Wastelands in search of sustenance. There have been plenty of moments when I felt attraction to others, and plenty more that felt attraction to me. But my heart could never act upon these attractions. For whatever reason nothing has felt real, nothing has felt true. Nothing but my solitude. For whatever reason my black, shriveled core of a heart told me to STAY AWAY! RUN! RUN NOW! from every attraction that has been since the breakup.

Since my ex I have lost so much that I held dear about love and romance. There was a time when I simply knew that I would fall in love with someone who was my perfect companion. Now I have lost all confidence in my ability to find him, and all hope of him ever finding me.

Solitude is the kindest, and most comfortable lover I have known.

"I wear black on the outside, because black is how I feel on the inside."

The Real Names of Harry Potter

My sis and I created these. These are, what we feel are the correct names for the Harry Potter books/movies.

1. Harry Potter and the only one for kids.
2. Harry Potter and the reason Slytherin kicks ass.
3. Harry Potter and the best one ever.
4. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Crap
5. Harry Potter and the Emo angst.
6. Harry Potter a bunch of Horcruxes and Snape at the end.
7. Harry Potter pitches a tent / Harry Potter and the massive slaughter.